


Is This Weird?

by bestliars



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Animal Transformation, Crack, M/M, Minnesota Wild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-08
Updated: 2013-06-08
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:05:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestliars/pseuds/bestliars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cats named Ryan Suter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is This Weird?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Stellarer who: lets me text her at work, listened to this story, is open to owning a cat named Ryan Suter in the future, and betaed this. I <3 you dear.

Jonas wants to get a cat. It’s the start of his second season in North America, and he’s still living by himself. Even though Charlie and Jason are just down the hall it gets lonely. Jonas thinks he’d like having another living thing to bump into and touch, not just the voices in his head for company. Having a cat would be nice.

Jonas didn’t have a particularly exciting summer. He skated with Oscar and spent time with his family, but there isn’t a lot to tell about when he gets asked how he spent his time since their season ended. That’s why he starts talking about his plan to get a cat.

Jared asks what kind of cat. Jonas says he doesn’t know. He’s going to go to the Humane Society and see what they have. Marco asks what he’s going to name his cat. Jonas doesn’t know that either. It will depend on what sort of cat it is.

Then everyone starts talking about the various animals they have owned, and their names, and why those names were chosen. Jonas likes listening to his team tell stories.

“Ryan’s dogs are named Cal and Favre,” Zach says.

“They’re good dogs,” Ryan says. “Golden retrievers. I don’t know why you want a cat. You should get a dog.”

Jonas starts to explain how impractical owning dogs would be with their travel schedule, something he listened to Ryan complain about all last season, but Charlie interrupts him, saying, “Wait, your dog is named after Brett Favre?”

“Who’s Brett Favre?” Jonas has never heard of him.

“He played football in Wisconsin,” Charlie explains. “Isn’t it kind of weird to name your dog after a real person?”

Ryan shrugs. “I dunno. I like Brett Favre. It’s a good name.”

“But, like, what if someone named their pet after you?” Charlie asks. “Wouldn’t that be weird.”

“Maybe,” Ryan says. “But I wouldn’t mind. It’s not like I could judge.”

Charlie turns to Jonas. “That’s it. You should name your cat Ryan Suter.”

“No.” Jonas is not going to name his cat after his defensive partner. That would be kind of creepy and could get confusing.

Then they have to go skate and can’t talk about it any more, which is probably for the best.

Later in the week Jonas goes to the humane society and picks out his cat. She’s not a tiny kitten, but she’s still young, and hasn’t been named yet. She has tortise shell patterns in her fur, and a grumpy little face. He takes her home without deciding on a name, figuring that he should get to know her first.

The next morning Charlie and Jason come over to eat his cereal, so they get to meet the cat. During breakfast they start talking about how the cat doesn’t have a name, and the Americans throw out increasingly terrible suggestions. Then Jason remembers the conversation from earlier, and starts calling the cat Ryan Suter. Charlie does it too. They’re both around a lot, and they keep on doing it. Other teammates start pick it up as well. And unfortunately, it sticks.

Jonas doesn’t think the Cat really seems like a Ryan Suter. She’s growing fast, turning into a huge furry thing that likes laying in his window sills. Jonas thinks a fitting name for her would have been Agatha, or maybe Saint. Oscar hasn’t really met her in person yet, but he thinks her name should be Helga. Jonas doesn’t like the name, but he can see how it would fit. They’re still stuck bickering when Jonas realizes the situation has gotten away from him.

His darling cat has started looking up when Charlie says, “Here Sutes, here kitty, here Sutes, good girl.” She doesn’t always come, because she’s a cat, but she recognizes it as her name.

Jonas knows he could fight it harder if he really felt like it, but it would be a lot of work for no real reward. There are worse things his cat could have been named than Ryan Suter. Probably.

He knows Oscar judges him for this, and tries to not let it bother him.

The season starts pretty well. It’s easy to fall back into the routine of being at home, then being away. Sutes the cat is good company when they are at home, and Jonas misses her when he has to leave. He takes a lot of pictures of her with his phone. Charlie buys her a child sized Suter shirt from the Hockey Lodge, but she won’t let him put it on her. All Charlie gets are angry red scratches on his arms. All in all, things are good.

Then Ryan turns into a cat.

They don’t know why it happens. They’re in the locker room after a game against the Preds. One minute Ryan standing in front of his stall, the next minute he’s a cat.

At first there’s a lot of chaos, with everyone talking over each other, swearing emphatically, trying to understand what the fuck just happened. Then Mikko shouts at them to quiet down, which they do.

Mikko asks, “Has anyone heard of this before?”

The cat—Ryan—meows, but everyone else shakes their heads.

“Any guesses?”

“Well, I guess it must be magic, right?” Seto. “I mean, I don’t really believe in it, or at least I didn’t, but...he’s a cat. So...Magic.”

“Do you think it’s a curse?” Zach asks.

“Why would someone curse Sutes into being a cat?” Brodziak asks.

“It could be a curse,” Zach says. “He’s important to the team. Turning Ryan into a cat hurts the team.” He sounds a little manic. “I could see an opponent cursing Ryan into being a cat. Not just any opponent, but someone with a reason to be bitter about something...”

“Shea Weber did not curse Ryan into being a cat,” Mikko says.

“But...”

“No. It’s highly unlikely that this transformation was caused by a curse,” Mikko says. “We need to use Ockham's Razor—the simplest explanation is most often the right one. Suter has turned into a cat: Suter sometimes turns into a cat. This has never been a problem before: this problem will resolve itself without our intervention.”

“How is that a simple explanation?” Zach asks.

“Do you have a better one?” Mikko counters. Zach opens his mouth to speak, but before he can Mikko says, “You and me will figure out what to do. Everyone else can go do what needs to be done.”

Cullen chimes in, “Yeah, the world hasn’t stopped turning just because our alternate captain turned into a cat.”

Jonas goes back to his post-game routine. He has to cool down, and stretch, and eat something. He can do all that, and think about the Oilers’ attempt at a third period comeback in Anaheim, and worry about his d-partner being a cat at the same time.

Mikko and Zach are standing by the cat, and in a weird way that’s normal, the captains huddling together after a game. It’s strangely comforting. The three of them—or really, the two of them, Jonas isn’t sure how much Ryan can contribute as a cat—they can find a way to handle this situation. Jonas trusts their leadership.

They’re leaving on a road trip the next morning. It isn’t a particularly long trek, but taking a cat with them would be a real headache.

It is arranged that temporary-cat Ryan Suter will stay with the cat named Ryan Suter because Jonas already has a cat sitter lined up. There’s a girl, Ivy, who lives down the hall and checks in on Sutes when he’s gone, as well as watering Chuck and Zuck’s sad attempts at having houseplants.

Jonas has to explain to her about there being two cats, where the extra bowl is and the like. It makes sense that she asks what the other cat’s name is. Looking back he will wonder why he didn’t lie.

“Oh, um, it’s Ryan Suter.”

She stares at him. “So, it was kind of weird that you had one cat named after your teammate, but two cats? This is really pushing you into crazy territory,” she says. “Do you have a problem?”

Jonas does have a problem, his mentor is presently a cat, and they have hockey games to play. He has a lot of problems, one of which is how he answers Ivy’s question “No, this isn’t my cat. It’s Zach’s cat.”

As soon as he says that he realizes it doesn’t make things any better.

“This is all a little bit creepy,” Ivy says.

“I’ll pay you extra this week because the two of them might be more work.”

She seems happy with that, or at least she doesn’t bug him any more about the cats’ names.

After she’s gone he tells Ryan, who’s sitting on the counter, “See, naming pets after real people is creepy. This is all your fault.”

Ryan meows, and headbuts Jonas’s arm.

“I have to go now. The TV is on, so you’ll be able to watch the games. Behave yourself.”

Jonas leaves, desperately hoping that Ryan isn’t still a cat when he gets home.

He has a message waiting for him when they land in Calgary, from a number he recognizes as the land line in his apartment. That’s strange, because the only beings in his apartment don’t have thumbs, and Ivy would have used her own phone. He hopes that something bad hasn’t happened.

He’s pleased and surprised to hear Ryan’s voice on the answering machine. “Hey Brods. So, I probably should have told someone this happens sometimes? I guess I forgot that Zach didn’t know. It’s like a twenty-four hour bug, but with being a cat instead of having the flu. Anyway, I’m going to call Zach now. I’ll catch up with you guys in Edmonton.”

Jonas thumbs his phone off and exhales. It’s been a weird couple of days. He really wants to go home and hang out with his cat. That has to wait though, til after they pick up four points from Alberta. Then he can get back to his apartment, and let Sutes-who-is-always-a-cat fall asleep on his chest, and not move, because it’s wrong to move if it would disturb a sleeping cat. Jonas wants to do that, and forget about Ryan turning into a cat, because that’s weird.

Oscar’s thoughts are louder and clearer in his head then normal, a result of being in the same province. _Really? You’re passing judgements on what’s weird and what isn’t weird? Isn’t that a bit hypocritical._

 _Shut up,_ Jonas thinks back. _This isn’t_ that _weird. This is just thoughts, not changing into a real life furry animal. This is way less weird._

Jonas can tell Oscar is laughing at him.

 _I’ll see you the day after tomorrow?_ Jonas asks.

 _Yeah,_ Oscar agrees. _And then we’re in Minne in a few weeks. I’ll have to meet your cat._

Jonas can’t wait. His cat is great. He’s sure Oscar and Sutes will get along.

Oscar is laughing at him again. _That’s such a terrible name for a pet. Your life is so weird._

Jonas has to agree. It’s a terrible name. And really, to be honest, his life is pretty weird all of the time. He doesn’t mind though. His cat is named after his defensive partner, who turns into a cat sometimes. Plus there’s the thing where he can hear his boyfriend’s thoughts. It’s all awfully weird. He wouldn’t want it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> Stellarer pointed out that the summary reads like Ryan Suter was named by cats. I would read that too. SO MUCH.


End file.
